If you're a breastfeeding mom, then you're my hero!

Cause let me tell you....on days like today, it sucks...or lack thereof. Ugh. This is NOT a blog bashing women who try to breastfeed and can't for various reasons. I understand that some things can't be helped and some babies need more supplements, like mine, or some women never get in a milk supply, or the baby just never latches properly.

This is a blog about those women who DO breastfeed, for a year or more, and my wondering how the hell they do this on days when they feel like horse shi*t! On days like how I feel today....

As most of you know I suffer from fibromyalgia, which is a bullsh*t disorder. Whether you believe in it or not, believe this, it's nearly ruined my life and the lives of many others, even people I know. Towards the end of my pregnancy my fibro symptoms got better....as in not as bad, not better as in healed, as there is no cure. I read that breastfeeding 'can' keep the fibro away too, but usually within a certain period of time after giving birth, the fibro comes back.

I almost forgot how wonderful life was without fibro. I can go places! Nearly all of the time and not worry about 'paying for it' later! I say nearly because I still have 'days'...but instead of them consisting of several in the same week, they are one or two every few weeks or even, once a month or so. Normally if I do something, anything, on let's say a Monday, then I'm spending Tuesday in bed. GOD FORBID I did a lot of something on a Monday, then it's Tues, Wed and maybe even Thur in bed.

When I say in bed, I mean it. For me, bed ='s couch but still. We're talking so weak I can't even fast forward through a commercial on my DVR remote....now that's pretty bad. I'm not talking about the pain, I'm talking about the fatigue here. Fatigue so bad you can't even think or speak.

Then there's the pain, for which there's nothing you can do. I guess you can dope up all the time but what will that solve? Pain will come back and then you'll destroy your liver. Nope, I just take the pain, (except for migraines, I dope the hell up for those!) but some pains are far worse than others.

The best way I can describe a bad fibro day to people who don't have them is....well, if you were in labor for let's say....two days....bad labor, like really, really bad labor....and then pushed your guts out for like....four hours...pushed until the veins in your eyeballs broke, only to end with an emergency c-section....and four hours later after the epidural ran out and you can feel all the pain....after two days of no food and no drink and all that hard work, and cuts and tears and stitches everywhere, and total physical and mental exhaustion....that effect you feel when it's all done....that's a bad fibro day. Nice huh? Now, get up, get dressed, put on make up, a dress and high heals, get into your car and drive 1 hour in grid lock and go to work for 9 hours, then drive another hour home in gridlock, cook dinner, do laundry and then go to bed. Um, no right? That's why I had to stop working full time.

Now, have days like that....every week....sometimes two or three days in a row....week after week...month after month....until you freakin' die! Welcome to my hell.

Now add a baby on top of it, and on top of that....BREASTFEED that baby! Now I can finally get to the reason why I'm writing this post. Though I'm currently NOT suffering the worst fibro day ever, I am suffering a fairly bad one. Keeping in mind I've only had a handful of them since last Sept so I'm out of practice on the suffering from fibro portion of my existence. I've actually had bad fibro days for the last three days in a row, mostly due to stress from this party I'm hosting in a few days, and lack of sleep of course.

I must say as a woman who wants nothing more than to exclusively breastfeed, and as a woman who can't, on days like today, I want to honor and worship....the bottle. Now I wish I had some frozen breast milk I could fall back on but I don't. What I have is a baby who finally after months of tongue-tie can only NOW properly use his tongue but now for some reason he's decided to have a 'nursing strike.' Granted, his strike is improved this week but he still sometimes resists the breast, and today was one of those days. Now add the fun of my IBS attacks that I've had for the last two days into the mix. I love that when I FINALLY got little dude calm enough after 30 minutes of screaming into my ear to finally nurse, I literally had to run to the bathroom for IBS, resulting in him being put into his pack and play....ugh....after all that....bottles sound like heaven.

I have a 'near' migraine, a very stiff and sore neck, and I'm exhausted....a baby screaming into my ear is NOT helping my head or neck. Him punching and kicking my breasts is not helping either. I'm so tired I just want to die, fighting a tiny being who has super-infant-strength is nearly impossible today. I did manage to breastfeed for "two" sessions today but I have to admit, I gave up on this last one. My head hurt too bad and he was screaming too loud. I had to give him a bottle...of icky formula. I just couldn't fight him. I guess if he were better and would just latch on, I'd not be writing this blog, but, he's not. LOL....I tried to side-lay and feed him on the couch as I was exhausted to the point of passing out, and he did, and we napped for nearly three hours, but now he's like "Um, no...gimme the bottle woman, or else I'll be forced to thrash you!" So I gave in.

HOW do women who exclusively breastfeed do it on days with migraines and/or fatigue or cramps, or....whatever other ailments they may have? Especially the ones like my friend Char who always just breastfed, we're talking, not even a bottle of breast milk...always the breast itself. And she had a baby who was pretty fussy at the titty too! HOW did she do it? She, like me, has a husband who works a lot, and hers is out of town a lot. She, like me, has no friends/family nearby. She, kind of like me, did it alone more often that not, (all of the childcare I mean). She did more than me even, because when Chris is here he's VERY hands on and awesome.

How did she and others like her do it? HOW does Becky and Regina and Elizabeth in CA and my other boobie-buddies do this, for years....and not be tempted to just give into temptation. I'm not talking about quitting, I'm talking about just getting a bottle of formula for those times when they are just too sick to try to nurse...How does anyone with fibro that's not 'improved' do this at all?

My son is napping in his crib...after having a bottle of icky formula. These are things I don't approve of. I'd prefer he breastfeed and nap on me or near me. However, I'm so sick and so weak and in so much over all pain (not breast pain, thank GOD) that I'm actually happy he's napping in his crib....gives me time to 'vent' here on the net and relax some...oh, and pump! Yeah, I get to pump! NO real reprieve from the titty, even on a bad fibro day. And yes, he'll get a bottle of my good ole' Mommy-Goodness the next time I feel like CRAP and he's being too fussy.

My nursing-bra is off to you fine and tough ladies who persevere and make it through times like these without just saying...'eh, forget this!'....I honestly don't know how you do it...

William actually nursing at his own free will on Sept 5, 2010...