Pity Party, baby piranha and other ouches...

So, since I'm falling apart, why not fall apart some more? I've had the fibro for about 7 years now and it sucks. It's better since pregnancy but everyday it gets worse and worse again, before long, it'll be back 100%. Well I've learned to live with it, even though it's a life sentence without parole.

This new arthritis however, I'm not dealing with as well . It started about 18 months ago in one finger. Just one....the finger is lumpy and often stiff. For some reason when I got pregnant, the finger stopped bothering me so much. Then about three months ago, wham! All ten fingers, wrists, ankles, back, neck and worst of all...knees. My back and neck are always bad, but the hands, ankles and knees are new to me.

Every morning they are stiff and inflamed. If I stay still for too long, 30 minutes or so, they get stiff, sore and swollen again. It doesn't hurt all day but it does hurt every day, especially at night. I guess I'm mad because it's new to me. Fibro is head to toe pain, muscle pain, but osteoarthritis is joint pain....and it sucks.

I prefer to sleep on my side in the fetal position. I can no longer do this because I can't bend my knees at night. I'm only 36. I used to be able to just get out of bed to use the bathroom with ease....not anymore. I can hardly get out of bed because my knees and ankles are so stiff and sore....and I'm only 36. I have the bladder of a gnat, so I go to the bathroom all the time....which is a hassle in itself...now, it hurts so bad to lower myself using my knees, and raise myself using my knees, I dread going to the bathroom and I'm only 36! 36, not 96!

What annoys me so much is, I plan to live to be 100, but arthritis gets worse, not better. I don't want to live to be 100 if this is how I have to live, knowing it's just going to get worse. If I have to have a raised toilet now at 36, what will life be like in 20 or 30 years? If I need help getting up off the couch now, can you imagine me at 46? Oh I can't wait for menopause! That'll be fun...let's add some osteoporosis into the mix.

I'm mad and throwing a pity party because the anti-inflammatory my Dr prescribed doesn't do a darn thing. Nada. I was hoping it would ease the pain....some. Nope. Maybe it's a placebo. :-)

I'm pissed because I'm a young woman with a newborn baby, who can hardly get into and out of bed, off the couch, onto the toilet, off the toilet and can barely make it up the three stairs I have outside of my house. Exercise is good for arthritis. I walked about 1-2 miles a day several times this week. Yesterday I walked about 3 miles, half of which was uphill, while pushing a stroller. My knees still hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep on my side last night.

I'm 36! 36 and one of the things I love to do, and one of the very few things I'm good at, is typing and writing. I can hardly type because my fingers are so sore and stiff and swollen...all the time. Mind you, it's dry and hot out! Just wait until a damp winter's day! I've not had this arthritis in winter yet. I guess if I'm bitching now I should appreciate how good I have it in the warm weather.

I no longer need a meteorologist anymore. It's one of the good things about arthritis. I KNOW when it's gonna rain....and there's no rain in the forecast this week....and I'm still in pain. But, it gets way worse when rain is coming.

I don't like the desert. In fact, I detest the desert. I don't want to live in a desert. I have NO desire to reside in the desert SW. I need green, and trees, and flowers and hills. In order to have green, one needs a decent amount of rain. But rain hurts. Ugh...I don't like the desert. I don't want to live in one of the Emirates. Greece is kind of nice though....some green, still pretty dry, not too chilly. I digress, I'm not moving to Greece. I do like me some Greek food though ;-)

So, no cold, no humidity, no rain....NO FUN! Okay, San Diego here I come! All we need now is a job that pays $300,000 a year and $100,000 down payment on a tiny hacienda and we're set! So since that's never gonna happen....I guess I can live in........Deming New Mexico....it's a nothing town on the Mexican border that can't have a very high cost of living.

Okay no, that's not happening either. It's Ohio or Alabama for us, both are green, both wet, both humid, one cold, one chilly....so I better get used to the pain. Besides, it's hot and dry this week and I still hurt, so I see no reason to live in a Pueblo in Deming New Mexico. Plus, I hate chili peppers and the smell makes me die...literally (allergic).

I guess Seattle would be a death sentence. Okay, so the next 65 years will be lived in pain....a ranch house for certain...a raised toilet with a handicapped bar next to it....and sleeping on my back I suppose....of course my back and neck have arthritis too...so....how about, no sleep! Which is what I get now.

Which brings me to ouch number 2, my baby piranha. He's adorable and on one hand, it's cool he has two razor sharp teeth on the bottom...on the other hand, I'd been perfectly happy if he'd waited another six months to cut them. Those teeth are sharper than a knife and he's super strong. He's always bit me. He'd gum bite me while nursing....and yes, that hurts. Now, add two uber sharp teeth into the mix.

At first we were fine. I mean, they are called "Milk Teeth" by many people. You're supposed to still breastfeed with these new teeth with no problem. Then about four days ago...CHOMP! He took a bite out of crime....and out of me! I reacted poorly. I screamed and yanked him off me so fast I startled him. I couldn't help it. I wasn't prepared. He'd never bitten me with his teeth before and I thought he never would. I calmed down, put him back on and CHOMP again! Um...no. I shoved a bottle in his mouth immediatly and watched on as he chomped and bit the bottle nipple too! Then I put my finger in his mouth, CHOMP. What can I say, he bites.

I took it in stride. That night in bed, as always, when he got fussy, I rolled onto my side, with my bad knees, and gave him the boob....and what did he do? If you guessed CHOMP then you guessed correct. OUCH! Screamed again! It was dark so I couldn't see and I just gave up and made him a bottle. The next night....same thing.

I was very upset. The whole point of co-sleeping is to nurse him at night with ease, and NO pain! I mean, didn't we suffer through tongue-tie, and thrush, and a nursing strike and now....teeth? What next? Well nothing, we've been through it all! Me getting up to make a bottle and then feed him and burp him and all that makes falling back to sleep for me nearly impossible. On top of it, he was having a growth spurt, so for the first time in over three months, he needed TWO bottles in the middle of the night....then he woke up very early in the morning for a third. After not nursing at night, I needed to pump first thing in the morning...I don't have time to make bottles and bottle feed when I am bursting and need to pump! LOL! Thank goodness Chris was off to help.

I don't like bottle feeding them and then pumping. I've done this for months, through the tongue-tie and nursing strike. It's time consuming and annoying. Breastfeeding is simple. No bottles to wash! No pumps to clean. No formula to buy and store and measure. Yes, he benefits from my pumped milk, which I still don't make enough of for him, not during a spurt. So I will continue, but now I'm doing more work.

At times it seems simpler to just give the pump back and bottle him. But that's not good for him and it's not good for me. If I made it through a NICU and thrush and nipple confusion and hickeys and tongue-tie and strikes....I can make it through teeth....but ouch.

I admit, I'm terrified to nurse him now. I don't like pain, in case you haven't noticed. The last three nights, I suffered through the night with big old hard leaking boobs, bottles in the bedroom and a child who won't sleep as well (he sleeps better with me as his paci at night and when he sleeps....I sleep...it's a win-win situation).

My consultant said to lay off the night nursing for 'now' until I retrain his latch. It's too hard laying down, in the dark, to teach him how to nurse with teeth....and she's right. The hard part is getting the courage to face the mouth of a piranha again.

I'm happy to report, since I began writing this blog hours ago, I did successfully nurse him, in the daylight, and he didn't bite me once! I was so fearful he would. He ate and then fell asleep on me, just like good old times. I was afraid he'd bite me in his sleep (he's recently began having nightmares) but he didn't. In fact, he just 'let go' and slept for about another 45 minutes.

One reason he bit me the other night was, he had bad gas. He was in pain and he bit down on me from the pain. I need to stop that now. I give him paci's at night, but he needs to feed from me at night so I can stop the nighttime bottles once and for all.

Okay, I'm done....for now....let's hope he keeps his teeth to himself!

If you're a breastfeeding mom, then you're my hero!

Cause let me tell you....on days like today, it sucks...or lack thereof. Ugh. This is NOT a blog bashing women who try to breastfeed and can't for various reasons. I understand that some things can't be helped and some babies need more supplements, like mine, or some women never get in a milk supply, or the baby just never latches properly.

This is a blog about those women who DO breastfeed, for a year or more, and my wondering how the hell they do this on days when they feel like horse shi*t! On days like how I feel today....

As most of you know I suffer from fibromyalgia, which is a bullsh*t disorder. Whether you believe in it or not, believe this, it's nearly ruined my life and the lives of many others, even people I know. Towards the end of my pregnancy my fibro symptoms got better....as in not as bad, not better as in healed, as there is no cure. I read that breastfeeding 'can' keep the fibro away too, but usually within a certain period of time after giving birth, the fibro comes back.

I almost forgot how wonderful life was without fibro. I can go places! Nearly all of the time and not worry about 'paying for it' later! I say nearly because I still have 'days'...but instead of them consisting of several in the same week, they are one or two every few weeks or even, once a month or so. Normally if I do something, anything, on let's say a Monday, then I'm spending Tuesday in bed. GOD FORBID I did a lot of something on a Monday, then it's Tues, Wed and maybe even Thur in bed.

When I say in bed, I mean it. For me, bed ='s couch but still. We're talking so weak I can't even fast forward through a commercial on my DVR remote....now that's pretty bad. I'm not talking about the pain, I'm talking about the fatigue here. Fatigue so bad you can't even think or speak.

Then there's the pain, for which there's nothing you can do. I guess you can dope up all the time but what will that solve? Pain will come back and then you'll destroy your liver. Nope, I just take the pain, (except for migraines, I dope the hell up for those!) but some pains are far worse than others.

The best way I can describe a bad fibro day to people who don't have them is....well, if you were in labor for let's say....two days....bad labor, like really, really bad labor....and then pushed your guts out for like....four hours...pushed until the veins in your eyeballs broke, only to end with an emergency c-section....and four hours later after the epidural ran out and you can feel all the pain....after two days of no food and no drink and all that hard work, and cuts and tears and stitches everywhere, and total physical and mental exhaustion....that effect you feel when it's all done....that's a bad fibro day. Nice huh? Now, get up, get dressed, put on make up, a dress and high heals, get into your car and drive 1 hour in grid lock and go to work for 9 hours, then drive another hour home in gridlock, cook dinner, do laundry and then go to bed. Um, no right? That's why I had to stop working full time.

Now, have days like that....every week....sometimes two or three days in a row....week after week...month after month....until you freakin' die! Welcome to my hell.

Now add a baby on top of it, and on top of that....BREASTFEED that baby! Now I can finally get to the reason why I'm writing this post. Though I'm currently NOT suffering the worst fibro day ever, I am suffering a fairly bad one. Keeping in mind I've only had a handful of them since last Sept so I'm out of practice on the suffering from fibro portion of my existence. I've actually had bad fibro days for the last three days in a row, mostly due to stress from this party I'm hosting in a few days, and lack of sleep of course.

I must say as a woman who wants nothing more than to exclusively breastfeed, and as a woman who can't, on days like today, I want to honor and worship....the bottle. Now I wish I had some frozen breast milk I could fall back on but I don't. What I have is a baby who finally after months of tongue-tie can only NOW properly use his tongue but now for some reason he's decided to have a 'nursing strike.' Granted, his strike is improved this week but he still sometimes resists the breast, and today was one of those days. Now add the fun of my IBS attacks that I've had for the last two days into the mix. I love that when I FINALLY got little dude calm enough after 30 minutes of screaming into my ear to finally nurse, I literally had to run to the bathroom for IBS, resulting in him being put into his pack and play....ugh....after all that....bottles sound like heaven.

I have a 'near' migraine, a very stiff and sore neck, and I'm exhausted....a baby screaming into my ear is NOT helping my head or neck. Him punching and kicking my breasts is not helping either. I'm so tired I just want to die, fighting a tiny being who has super-infant-strength is nearly impossible today. I did manage to breastfeed for "two" sessions today but I have to admit, I gave up on this last one. My head hurt too bad and he was screaming too loud. I had to give him a bottle...of icky formula. I just couldn't fight him. I guess if he were better and would just latch on, I'd not be writing this blog, but, he's not. LOL....I tried to side-lay and feed him on the couch as I was exhausted to the point of passing out, and he did, and we napped for nearly three hours, but now he's like "Um, no...gimme the bottle woman, or else I'll be forced to thrash you!" So I gave in.

HOW do women who exclusively breastfeed do it on days with migraines and/or fatigue or cramps, or....whatever other ailments they may have? Especially the ones like my friend Char who always just breastfed, we're talking, not even a bottle of breast milk...always the breast itself. And she had a baby who was pretty fussy at the titty too! HOW did she do it? She, like me, has a husband who works a lot, and hers is out of town a lot. She, like me, has no friends/family nearby. She, kind of like me, did it alone more often that not, (all of the childcare I mean). She did more than me even, because when Chris is here he's VERY hands on and awesome.

How did she and others like her do it? HOW does Becky and Regina and Elizabeth in CA and my other boobie-buddies do this, for years....and not be tempted to just give into temptation. I'm not talking about quitting, I'm talking about just getting a bottle of formula for those times when they are just too sick to try to nurse...How does anyone with fibro that's not 'improved' do this at all?

My son is napping in his crib...after having a bottle of icky formula. These are things I don't approve of. I'd prefer he breastfeed and nap on me or near me. However, I'm so sick and so weak and in so much over all pain (not breast pain, thank GOD) that I'm actually happy he's napping in his crib....gives me time to 'vent' here on the net and relax some...oh, and pump! Yeah, I get to pump! NO real reprieve from the titty, even on a bad fibro day. And yes, he'll get a bottle of my good ole' Mommy-Goodness the next time I feel like CRAP and he's being too fussy.

My nursing-bra is off to you fine and tough ladies who persevere and make it through times like these without just saying...'eh, forget this!'....I honestly don't know how you do it...

William actually nursing at his own free will on Sept 5, 2010...

:-) Pregnant

Yes, it's true, though I've not announced it on Facebook just yet. How am I feeling? Well the first week, I thought I was having a bad fibro week, turns out I was just pregnant. This week, I had cramping, severe back pain to the point I could not function but no bleeding. The Dr is a little concerned so I'm doing a 48 hr hormone test to ensure the baby is...hanging around.

I had an ultrasound. It showed pretty much nothing but the sac and the beginnings of the umbilical cord. Enclosed are pictures. The sac looks like a black lima bean. I circled it in yellow. The pink circle shows the white line that is the beginnings of the umbilical cord.