All good things come to an end....

July 7, 2011 will officially mark the last day of my life that I'm a breastfeeding woman. William is 15 months and 10 days old.

My first goal was to make it six weeks, then...six months, then a year...then, to his adjusted 'year' which occurred on May 13, 2011, nearly two months ago. Then I wanted to let him 'self wean.' I foolishly thought self weaning would occur around 18-24 months.

Everyone knows it's been a struggle from the get-go. Hyperemesis, premature birth, month long stay in the NICU, poor pump, tongue-tie. Finally last July we rid ourselves of all of that, but he was so fond of his bottle by then, it was always a struggle to breastfeed. I spent most of our nursing relationship pumping, though after the tongue-tie surgery, we did nurse daily, always followed by a bottle for him and a pump for me.

I can rest assured when he needed it most, in the NICU, he got 90% of his nutrition straight from me...well, via the pump of course.

I actually miss the days waking up full. I miss the leaking. I knew my 'stuff' worked then! Those days are long gone. My low supply tanked even more around December 2010. Around late April 2011, he got a nasty gum infection from a molar that had been trying for months to cut through. During this time, he was miserable. My supply was low and we were only night nursing by that point. One night, he was particularly fussy, I was particularly low in supply, and tired...he was struggling and struggling and finally he latched, but he bit me so hard, I just decided to stop.

I decided to just take that night off and continue the next day. Well the next day is when I discovered the infected gum, a large chunk of which was just ready to literally fall off. After it did, he was sore and still refused to nurse. I didn't know at the time, but that was the last time he ever breastfed.

I was still making milk and my pump had been stowed, so I just expressed milk into his morning cereal and night time bottle and thought I'd continuing doing so until I stopped producing.

I tried nursing again a few times, but he refused each time.

Finally, I saw my Doctor last week regarding my abnormal liver readings and my worsening migraines. He told me I need to start some medications and I can not breastfeed with them.

So I'm faced with a choice. Squirt about 10 drops into his cereal and 10 into his bottle and suffer with debilitating migraines, or just stop and get some relief. Sadly I'm choosing the latter. If my supply were better and he nursed, I'd keep going, but all that pain and inability to even care for him isn't worth it for a few drops.

Looking back, I guess I got my wish. I wanted to stop when "HE" decided it was time. When he self-weaned. And...he did.

In all, I breastfed for One Year, Three Months, One Week, and Two Days...in the end...that's not really too bad. Most would say it's been a suck-cess.

June 27, 2010

March 27, 2011, William's 1st birthday

Pity Party, baby piranha and other ouches...

So, since I'm falling apart, why not fall apart some more? I've had the fibro for about 7 years now and it sucks. It's better since pregnancy but everyday it gets worse and worse again, before long, it'll be back 100%. Well I've learned to live with it, even though it's a life sentence without parole.

This new arthritis however, I'm not dealing with as well . It started about 18 months ago in one finger. Just one....the finger is lumpy and often stiff. For some reason when I got pregnant, the finger stopped bothering me so much. Then about three months ago, wham! All ten fingers, wrists, ankles, back, neck and worst of all...knees. My back and neck are always bad, but the hands, ankles and knees are new to me.

Every morning they are stiff and inflamed. If I stay still for too long, 30 minutes or so, they get stiff, sore and swollen again. It doesn't hurt all day but it does hurt every day, especially at night. I guess I'm mad because it's new to me. Fibro is head to toe pain, muscle pain, but osteoarthritis is joint pain....and it sucks.

I prefer to sleep on my side in the fetal position. I can no longer do this because I can't bend my knees at night. I'm only 36. I used to be able to just get out of bed to use the bathroom with ease....not anymore. I can hardly get out of bed because my knees and ankles are so stiff and sore....and I'm only 36. I have the bladder of a gnat, so I go to the bathroom all the time....which is a hassle in itself...now, it hurts so bad to lower myself using my knees, and raise myself using my knees, I dread going to the bathroom and I'm only 36! 36, not 96!

What annoys me so much is, I plan to live to be 100, but arthritis gets worse, not better. I don't want to live to be 100 if this is how I have to live, knowing it's just going to get worse. If I have to have a raised toilet now at 36, what will life be like in 20 or 30 years? If I need help getting up off the couch now, can you imagine me at 46? Oh I can't wait for menopause! That'll be fun...let's add some osteoporosis into the mix.

I'm mad and throwing a pity party because the anti-inflammatory my Dr prescribed doesn't do a darn thing. Nada. I was hoping it would ease the pain....some. Nope. Maybe it's a placebo. :-)

I'm pissed because I'm a young woman with a newborn baby, who can hardly get into and out of bed, off the couch, onto the toilet, off the toilet and can barely make it up the three stairs I have outside of my house. Exercise is good for arthritis. I walked about 1-2 miles a day several times this week. Yesterday I walked about 3 miles, half of which was uphill, while pushing a stroller. My knees still hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep on my side last night.

I'm 36! 36 and one of the things I love to do, and one of the very few things I'm good at, is typing and writing. I can hardly type because my fingers are so sore and stiff and swollen...all the time. Mind you, it's dry and hot out! Just wait until a damp winter's day! I've not had this arthritis in winter yet. I guess if I'm bitching now I should appreciate how good I have it in the warm weather.

I no longer need a meteorologist anymore. It's one of the good things about arthritis. I KNOW when it's gonna rain....and there's no rain in the forecast this week....and I'm still in pain. But, it gets way worse when rain is coming.

I don't like the desert. In fact, I detest the desert. I don't want to live in a desert. I have NO desire to reside in the desert SW. I need green, and trees, and flowers and hills. In order to have green, one needs a decent amount of rain. But rain hurts. Ugh...I don't like the desert. I don't want to live in one of the Emirates. Greece is kind of nice though....some green, still pretty dry, not too chilly. I digress, I'm not moving to Greece. I do like me some Greek food though ;-)

So, no cold, no humidity, no rain....NO FUN! Okay, San Diego here I come! All we need now is a job that pays $300,000 a year and $100,000 down payment on a tiny hacienda and we're set! So since that's never gonna happen....I guess I can live in........Deming New Mexico....it's a nothing town on the Mexican border that can't have a very high cost of living.

Okay no, that's not happening either. It's Ohio or Alabama for us, both are green, both wet, both humid, one cold, one chilly....so I better get used to the pain. Besides, it's hot and dry this week and I still hurt, so I see no reason to live in a Pueblo in Deming New Mexico. Plus, I hate chili peppers and the smell makes me die...literally (allergic).

I guess Seattle would be a death sentence. Okay, so the next 65 years will be lived in pain....a ranch house for certain...a raised toilet with a handicapped bar next to it....and sleeping on my back I suppose....of course my back and neck have arthritis too...so....how about, no sleep! Which is what I get now.

Which brings me to ouch number 2, my baby piranha. He's adorable and on one hand, it's cool he has two razor sharp teeth on the bottom...on the other hand, I'd been perfectly happy if he'd waited another six months to cut them. Those teeth are sharper than a knife and he's super strong. He's always bit me. He'd gum bite me while nursing....and yes, that hurts. Now, add two uber sharp teeth into the mix.

At first we were fine. I mean, they are called "Milk Teeth" by many people. You're supposed to still breastfeed with these new teeth with no problem. Then about four days ago...CHOMP! He took a bite out of crime....and out of me! I reacted poorly. I screamed and yanked him off me so fast I startled him. I couldn't help it. I wasn't prepared. He'd never bitten me with his teeth before and I thought he never would. I calmed down, put him back on and CHOMP again! Um...no. I shoved a bottle in his mouth immediatly and watched on as he chomped and bit the bottle nipple too! Then I put my finger in his mouth, CHOMP. What can I say, he bites.

I took it in stride. That night in bed, as always, when he got fussy, I rolled onto my side, with my bad knees, and gave him the boob....and what did he do? If you guessed CHOMP then you guessed correct. OUCH! Screamed again! It was dark so I couldn't see and I just gave up and made him a bottle. The next night....same thing.

I was very upset. The whole point of co-sleeping is to nurse him at night with ease, and NO pain! I mean, didn't we suffer through tongue-tie, and thrush, and a nursing strike and now....teeth? What next? Well nothing, we've been through it all! Me getting up to make a bottle and then feed him and burp him and all that makes falling back to sleep for me nearly impossible. On top of it, he was having a growth spurt, so for the first time in over three months, he needed TWO bottles in the middle of the night....then he woke up very early in the morning for a third. After not nursing at night, I needed to pump first thing in the morning...I don't have time to make bottles and bottle feed when I am bursting and need to pump! LOL! Thank goodness Chris was off to help.

I don't like bottle feeding them and then pumping. I've done this for months, through the tongue-tie and nursing strike. It's time consuming and annoying. Breastfeeding is simple. No bottles to wash! No pumps to clean. No formula to buy and store and measure. Yes, he benefits from my pumped milk, which I still don't make enough of for him, not during a spurt. So I will continue, but now I'm doing more work.

At times it seems simpler to just give the pump back and bottle him. But that's not good for him and it's not good for me. If I made it through a NICU and thrush and nipple confusion and hickeys and tongue-tie and strikes....I can make it through teeth....but ouch.

I admit, I'm terrified to nurse him now. I don't like pain, in case you haven't noticed. The last three nights, I suffered through the night with big old hard leaking boobs, bottles in the bedroom and a child who won't sleep as well (he sleeps better with me as his paci at night and when he sleeps....I sleep...it's a win-win situation).

My consultant said to lay off the night nursing for 'now' until I retrain his latch. It's too hard laying down, in the dark, to teach him how to nurse with teeth....and she's right. The hard part is getting the courage to face the mouth of a piranha again.

I'm happy to report, since I began writing this blog hours ago, I did successfully nurse him, in the daylight, and he didn't bite me once! I was so fearful he would. He ate and then fell asleep on me, just like good old times. I was afraid he'd bite me in his sleep (he's recently began having nightmares) but he didn't. In fact, he just 'let go' and slept for about another 45 minutes.

One reason he bit me the other night was, he had bad gas. He was in pain and he bit down on me from the pain. I need to stop that now. I give him paci's at night, but he needs to feed from me at night so I can stop the nighttime bottles once and for all.

Okay, I'm done....for now....let's hope he keeps his teeth to himself!

If you're a breastfeeding mom, then you're my hero!

Cause let me tell you....on days like today, it sucks...or lack thereof. Ugh. This is NOT a blog bashing women who try to breastfeed and can't for various reasons. I understand that some things can't be helped and some babies need more supplements, like mine, or some women never get in a milk supply, or the baby just never latches properly.

This is a blog about those women who DO breastfeed, for a year or more, and my wondering how the hell they do this on days when they feel like horse shi*t! On days like how I feel today....

As most of you know I suffer from fibromyalgia, which is a bullsh*t disorder. Whether you believe in it or not, believe this, it's nearly ruined my life and the lives of many others, even people I know. Towards the end of my pregnancy my fibro symptoms got better....as in not as bad, not better as in healed, as there is no cure. I read that breastfeeding 'can' keep the fibro away too, but usually within a certain period of time after giving birth, the fibro comes back.

I almost forgot how wonderful life was without fibro. I can go places! Nearly all of the time and not worry about 'paying for it' later! I say nearly because I still have 'days'...but instead of them consisting of several in the same week, they are one or two every few weeks or even, once a month or so. Normally if I do something, anything, on let's say a Monday, then I'm spending Tuesday in bed. GOD FORBID I did a lot of something on a Monday, then it's Tues, Wed and maybe even Thur in bed.

When I say in bed, I mean it. For me, bed ='s couch but still. We're talking so weak I can't even fast forward through a commercial on my DVR remote....now that's pretty bad. I'm not talking about the pain, I'm talking about the fatigue here. Fatigue so bad you can't even think or speak.

Then there's the pain, for which there's nothing you can do. I guess you can dope up all the time but what will that solve? Pain will come back and then you'll destroy your liver. Nope, I just take the pain, (except for migraines, I dope the hell up for those!) but some pains are far worse than others.

The best way I can describe a bad fibro day to people who don't have them is....well, if you were in labor for let's say....two days....bad labor, like really, really bad labor....and then pushed your guts out for like....four hours...pushed until the veins in your eyeballs broke, only to end with an emergency c-section....and four hours later after the epidural ran out and you can feel all the pain....after two days of no food and no drink and all that hard work, and cuts and tears and stitches everywhere, and total physical and mental exhaustion....that effect you feel when it's all done....that's a bad fibro day. Nice huh? Now, get up, get dressed, put on make up, a dress and high heals, get into your car and drive 1 hour in grid lock and go to work for 9 hours, then drive another hour home in gridlock, cook dinner, do laundry and then go to bed. Um, no right? That's why I had to stop working full time.

Now, have days like that....every week....sometimes two or three days in a row....week after week...month after month....until you freakin' die! Welcome to my hell.

Now add a baby on top of it, and on top of that....BREASTFEED that baby! Now I can finally get to the reason why I'm writing this post. Though I'm currently NOT suffering the worst fibro day ever, I am suffering a fairly bad one. Keeping in mind I've only had a handful of them since last Sept so I'm out of practice on the suffering from fibro portion of my existence. I've actually had bad fibro days for the last three days in a row, mostly due to stress from this party I'm hosting in a few days, and lack of sleep of course.

I must say as a woman who wants nothing more than to exclusively breastfeed, and as a woman who can't, on days like today, I want to honor and worship....the bottle. Now I wish I had some frozen breast milk I could fall back on but I don't. What I have is a baby who finally after months of tongue-tie can only NOW properly use his tongue but now for some reason he's decided to have a 'nursing strike.' Granted, his strike is improved this week but he still sometimes resists the breast, and today was one of those days. Now add the fun of my IBS attacks that I've had for the last two days into the mix. I love that when I FINALLY got little dude calm enough after 30 minutes of screaming into my ear to finally nurse, I literally had to run to the bathroom for IBS, resulting in him being put into his pack and play....ugh....after all that....bottles sound like heaven.

I have a 'near' migraine, a very stiff and sore neck, and I'm exhausted....a baby screaming into my ear is NOT helping my head or neck. Him punching and kicking my breasts is not helping either. I'm so tired I just want to die, fighting a tiny being who has super-infant-strength is nearly impossible today. I did manage to breastfeed for "two" sessions today but I have to admit, I gave up on this last one. My head hurt too bad and he was screaming too loud. I had to give him a bottle...of icky formula. I just couldn't fight him. I guess if he were better and would just latch on, I'd not be writing this blog, but, he's not. LOL....I tried to side-lay and feed him on the couch as I was exhausted to the point of passing out, and he did, and we napped for nearly three hours, but now he's like "Um, no...gimme the bottle woman, or else I'll be forced to thrash you!" So I gave in.

HOW do women who exclusively breastfeed do it on days with migraines and/or fatigue or cramps, or....whatever other ailments they may have? Especially the ones like my friend Char who always just breastfed, we're talking, not even a bottle of breast milk...always the breast itself. And she had a baby who was pretty fussy at the titty too! HOW did she do it? She, like me, has a husband who works a lot, and hers is out of town a lot. She, like me, has no friends/family nearby. She, kind of like me, did it alone more often that not, (all of the childcare I mean). She did more than me even, because when Chris is here he's VERY hands on and awesome.

How did she and others like her do it? HOW does Becky and Regina and Elizabeth in CA and my other boobie-buddies do this, for years....and not be tempted to just give into temptation. I'm not talking about quitting, I'm talking about just getting a bottle of formula for those times when they are just too sick to try to nurse...How does anyone with fibro that's not 'improved' do this at all?

My son is napping in his crib...after having a bottle of icky formula. These are things I don't approve of. I'd prefer he breastfeed and nap on me or near me. However, I'm so sick and so weak and in so much over all pain (not breast pain, thank GOD) that I'm actually happy he's napping in his crib....gives me time to 'vent' here on the net and relax some...oh, and pump! Yeah, I get to pump! NO real reprieve from the titty, even on a bad fibro day. And yes, he'll get a bottle of my good ole' Mommy-Goodness the next time I feel like CRAP and he's being too fussy.

My nursing-bra is off to you fine and tough ladies who persevere and make it through times like these without just saying...'eh, forget this!'....I honestly don't know how you do it...

William actually nursing at his own free will on Sept 5, 2010...

Tales, from the titty...

I met with a lactation consultant yesterday. She lent me a super-ubber-mega-mondo-pump, I do believe that is its given name. It's about 35+ years old and weighs about 40 lbs...amazingly, it's the best pump I've ever used. My supply dipped last week so I'm 'power pumping' today with super-ubber-mega-mondo-pump and it's going very well thus far.

It appears William has a 'high' palate and a lazy tongue. His suck...sucks. LOL...pun intended. He sees the Ear Nose and Throat DR next week and I need him to perform a 'suck test' on William, so we're not out of the woods yet.

However I'm pleased to report my blisters have healed and there's minimal to no pain now while feeding him, which is wonderful! We're still struggling with side feeding in bed. Some nights are okay, some nights, ouch...not so much. But it's all going well, little one managed to gain 1 lb in a week last week! He's finally out of size "new born" clothes :-( and is wearing his 0-3 month outfits.

I read an interesting local article the other day (http://www.wlwt.com/news/24301209/detail.html) I must say it's amazing in this day and age that people are still afraid and offended by breastfeeding mothers. As a friend of mine said today, 'we ARE mammals' after all. Not only should women feel free to breastfeed in public, but they shouldn't feel compelled to 'have to' cover up or hide in a bathroom or even move to a less busy area. I see women in 'hooter hiders' all over town, and there's nothing wrong with it. I've seen women without them, feeding their child, and I still see nothing wrong with it.

With every passing week I hope my 'tales from the titty' get better. We'll see what the Dr said next week about 'the suck'. Until then, I have super-ubber-mega-mondo-pump to keep me company.

I'm not the kind of parent I thought I'd be...

Everyone offers you advice when you're pregnant, or become a new parent. The one bit of advice I got that was true beyond the shadow of a doubt was from Chrissy, when she simply said "NEVER say never."

I asked all my friends their opinions on crib bumpers, strollers, diapers and formula. Of course they all had something different to say. I've discovered on my own that it doesn't matter what kind of diaper I use...Huggies, Meijer brand or cloth....they're all the same (The cloth need changing more often). The brand formula I use doesn't matter, so long as it's soy, he reacts the same way. Even nursing advice, because I've heard it all, and it all conflicts. What works for me does not work for others. Everyone is different, every baby is different and every preemie is different.

In the end, the only bit of advice I got that holds true for me, for us, is to never say never.

I said I'd never breastfeed. I swore I'd never co-sleep. I said I'd never use any kind of sling or baby backpack. I said I'd 'almost' definitely put him into the local public school. I said I'd never take him to Church. Turns out I was wrong on all of that.

We all know about the breastfeeding so there's no need to discuss that further. As for co-sleeping, I swore I'd never do it. All I need is some 8 yr old kid still in my bed! Babies need to sleep, on their own, in a crib, in their own room. That's how I saw it. My house isn't that big, it's a one story, it's no big deal for me to get up and go to his room to tend to him at night. I thought I'd roll over and smother him. I thought I'd get worse sleep with him in my bed with me. Wrong.

How we began to co-sleep was purely by accident. His first night home from the NICU I was concerned about his breathing so I wanted to sleep in the same room with him. I planned to sleep on the couch and have him in the pack-n-play. Instead we both fell asleep by accident on the couch. He was swaddled, in my arms, and the next thing I knew, it was 2am and he was hungry. (I was still exclusively pumping at that time)

I decided I loved sleeping with him in my arms. I could feel and hear him breathe and I loved having him that close to me. I thought, well, I'll do this for one more week. A week turned into a month. We eventually moved into the bed. Now he mostly sleeps throughout the night. If he gets hungry, I roll over on my side and nurse him back to sleep. It's great. I actually get MORE sleep this way, and so does he. In the mornings around 4am he gets fussy, so I hold him closer to my chest so he's warm and can hear my heartbeat, and he sleeps right on through until 6 or 7am that way.

When he loses his paci at night, I'm right there to stick it back in. I can do this 100 times during a night. If I were not right next to him, I'd be getting UP 100 times a night to put it back in for him, so yeah, I get more sleep and better sleep this way. My plan now is to co-sleep until I'm done breastfeeding, and Chris is on-board with this.

I was not going to be a marsupial mom. I dig strollers....that is until I realized what a royal pain in the butt they are. My stroller takes up my ENTIRE trunk, and it barely fits. We have to squeeze it in there so hard it's all cut up now. So the girls at my LLL group gave me a sling. I didn't want to use a sling because I simply thought it was stupid. I thought it'd KILL my neck and shoulder as I have serious neck and shoulder problems. Again, I was wrong.

When worn correctly, it does not hurt my neck or shoulder at all. My back now that's a different story (OUCH!). Keeping him close to me is wonderful. He's hardly ever fussy when he's in the sling. He almost always sleeps in there. My hands are free and I don't have to mess with a clunky stroller. (Once he's too big for the sling, I'll resume using the stroller, and on really long hikes, I'll use it too. I'm so happy Liz bought us this stroller and car-seat, I just wish I had a bigger trunk!). The only drawback is I have no stroller to stroll around my heavy-ass diaper bag...which means I have to carry it. ICK.

Not only is the sling convenient and comfy for us both, but he's so adorable in it! Dayton Ohio is not a really hippie-dippy kind of place. Not many people have seen slings here, so we get looks everywhere we go. Men, women, children all stop us to smile and tell me how adorable he is, and of course, he is adorable. ;-) YES, we get far more compliments in the sling than we do in the stroller. One of the joys of having a handsome child is showing him off. What can I say, this kid is darling.

Chris uses our baby back-pack to tote the little one around...yes, we're Attachment Parents! I didn't even know what that was 6 months ago, so I couldn't say I'd do it or not. Turns out, we do...and we don't really know why. We just enjoy having him close to us, at all times. At this age (14 weeks real, 7 weeks adjusted) they need that.

[http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130300.asp] Of course there's pros and cons to all forms of parenting. We just decided to do what works best for us, and for us, this is it. Maybe it's because he's a preemie and we're extra cautious, maybe we'd been like this if he were full term, we'll never know.

Mom said it best yesterday. She said everyone will offer their opinions and their advice, whether is't wanted or not...but in the end, Chris and I need to do what decide to do. She had her kid, she raised her kid, now it's our turn. She does not agree with the whole breastfeeding, co-sleeping thing necessarily, but she knows it's safe the way we do it, and it's what we want to do. Her thing with the breastfeeding is, it's just too much work for me, and too challenging with all the problems we've had. She'd like my life to be more convenient.

Breastfeeding is not what she'd chose, but she made her choices when she had her baby. It's our baby and we'll raise him how we choose.

William and I have taken going to Church every week. If you read my earlier post on Church, and made it through to the VERY END, you'll understand why. Though I'm not a very religious person, and neither is Chris, we think it's good that William be exposed to some religion. We also decided to have him baptized Catholic. The class is at the end of the month and the ceremony is in September. So far William likes Church just fine. He's very well behaved, because he's slinged, and everyone as always gawks at him. It's 40 minutes a week I get to spend with him, massaging his back and hugging him close, it's just our little routine now.

We'll leave the homeschooling debate for another day.... ;-)

My thoughts on Breastfeeding...

I decided a long time ago that I was not going to breastfeed. Well let's face it, I also decided I wasn't going to have children either. ;-) I didn't want to breastfeed because as it turns out, I was misinformed. I thought it would hurt (irony is it does with us but that's not the norm, we're, as you know, having issues) I mean how can it not hurt? A person is sucking with all its might on your nipples for hours a day, ouch! I thought I'd never be able to drink while breastfeeding and let's face it, I'm a fan of the ale! I thought my personal diet would have to be very limited. I thought I'd not be able to take my migraine medication, or any medication. In short, I was wrong.

In fact, breastfeeding does not hurt, when done properly. Sure you're a tad sore at first but breastfeeding without complications like thrush, which we have, isn't painful at all. Until we got thrush, breastfeeding was fine and I was in no pain at all!

And yes, you can have a glass of wine or a mug o' ale and breastfeed! In fact, beer, dark beer, is healthy for breastfeeding, it increases milk supply.

And yes, I can take my medication. My Dr told me what meds I can and can not take while breastfeeding, and nearly all of them are a go!

I can eat almost anything I want. Thus far we've not had too many issues with him not liking my milk or getting sick off it. (the formula, that's a different story)

Are there drawbacks to breastfeeding? Sure. For one, it's convenient to bottle feed (even more to bottle feed formula, no pumping required!).

In MY case, and not everyone is the same, it takes William anywhere from 60-120 minutes to nurse...now that's a long time. If I have somewhere I need to go, I don't have 2 hrs to nurse him. If I 'am' out, I don't have two hours to pull over or sit at the mall and nurse either. He'll down a bottle in a few minutes flat, but on me, he falls asleep....and stays asleep. Once I remove him, he wakes up, hungry and crying until I re-latch him...two minutes later...asleep again. Ugh.

Another plus is other people can feed him to give me a break! Now if someone else feeds him bottled breast milk then it's still breastfeeding so far as I'm concerned. Of course that requires copious amounts of pumping. When do you have time to pump if you're nursing?

If you're shy about nursing in public, then bottle feeding is the way to go! Otherwise you're stuck hiding in a ladies lounge or bathroom or your car. There is the hooter-hider for those more bold, or foregoing all forms of 'hiding' for the truly brave.

It's also easier to administer medications to the baby by putting them in the bottle too.

These are the only positives I see to bottle (formula) feeding. Let's talk about the hassles of bottle feeding. First, there's the cost. Formula is outrageous! But even more than that, is the cost of bottles! Bottles, good ones, are $10 a piece! Then you need to replace nipples from time to time. Unless you're cheap like me and enjoy washing bottles all the time, you'll need lot's of bottles....lots. We've gotten by just fine with 10 bottles, in three different sizes, but I mostly breastfeed.

Some will say to sanitize bottles after every feed, another cost, another annoyance. Then there's the 'bottle warmer'...I personally just run the bottle under hot tap water or put hot water in a coffee mug and place the bottle in that, done! Still a pain in the butt though.

Bottles weigh down your diaper bag. You can't leave unless you have bottles and purified water and formula, which means toting around a plastic bin that holds formula. What a pain! Oh and water, can't just use any old water, you need "nursery" water...or purified water, or water that costs freakin' MONEY!

I'm not even talking about the health stuff yet, am I? ;-) I mean that's a given that breast milk is healthier than any formula, and there's not debating that!

YES, a booby picture!

So, what changed my mind about breastfeeding? COST! I saw how much formula costs ($24-$26...a week) and said, um...no...breast milk is free! Well it's almost free. There's the cost of the pump, $100, and the nursing pads, $6 a month or so, and nipple cream, $11, and nursing bras, $24, and nursing tanks, $15, and nursing night gowns, $30....okay I think that's it. It's still cheaper than formula.

After I made the decision to breastfeed, I guess when I was five months pregnant, I started to do some research. Yes, it's good for the baby, yes it's good for the mother. Just read all the stuff about cancer and such here (http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-breastfeeding-benefits-you-and-your-baby_8910.bc?page=3) Who knew that breastfeeding can lower the chances of you getting certain cancers and even osteoporosis!

Did you know breast milk can cure pink eye and ear infections? (http://www.pregnancy-info.net/breastfeeding_illness.html)

I can't help but wonder, and this is personal opinion, why cancer rates in children and adults have skyrocketed in the last 100 years, as well as autism. YES breastfed babies get cancer and autism but it just seems the rates of these instances have escalated in the last 100 years, which is about the same time people started phasing away from breast milk and began using evaporated milk and other substitutes.

Now, all the cancer and other diseases could as easily be explained by our environment, the water we drink, the food we eat and the air we breathe. Perhaps we're transferring these toxins to our young in our breast milk? Perhaps it's a little bit of both. It just seems to me everything has gone to hell since people started making their lives easier. More and more people of my generation are now opting to breastfeed, whereas most in our parent's generation thought it was absurd, hippie-ish, and an inconvenience, which is why so few of them did it.

I know my mother was not initially supportive of my decision. She has since changed her mind and supports me fully. Initially she said I'd be weighed down and he'd use me as a pacifier. She said I'd be in terrible pain and bottles and formula are just more convenient. She was right, all of it, 100% correct! But does that mean it shouldn't be done? Just because it's easy doesn't make it right. Processed foods are easy and wrong on so many levels, as are fast food, artificial sweeteners, and many chemicals found in everyday cleaning products. All of this is bad for you, and many people are beginning to shy away from them.

Another thing that baffles my mind is that for about 200,000 yrs, homo sapiens have been breastfeeding, as they had no other choice. In the last 50 yrs or so, breastfeeding in the US has become almost taboo. In 50 yrs we as a society have forgotten how to breastfeed! We now must read books, join online forums, attend classes, employ 'consultants' and attend meetings to discuss the importance of, and how to, breastfeed! Have we de-evolved that much? So much that something so natural and fundamental to our survival as a species has been forgotten in the span of 50 to 100 years? What's wrong with us?

So, now I'm of the thought that breastfeeding is best and everyone should do it. LOL...cuz what I say goes. ;-) I'm like a born-again with this stuff. Everyone needs to try and commit to a minimum of six weeks. Then, set another goal, but keep them realistic. Reaching the goals are very rewarding. I just earned my "12" week badge on my breastfeeding forum...yea for me, all hail the "D"! Even through the pain of blisters and scabs and skin literally hanging off me, I've still not given up and it's been three months! Three months of painful hell. LOL...I'm in pain 24 hours a day, every day. Yeah, something's wrong, but we're still working on it because it's the best thing for him, and for me.

It's so easy at night, in bed, to just roll over on my side and feed him without getting up, making a bottle, warming a bottle...the stench of formula...plus nursing puts him back to sleep quickly.

Now that we've gotten past all the NICU induced nipple confusion, little dude WANTS to nurse. He enjoys it. His eyes, literally, roll to the back of his head once he's latched on, it's so obvious he's in heaven. Even in the NICU when he'd hardly ever nursed, he naturally 'rooted' on me...meaning even with clothes ON he leaned his head up to my breast and tried to feed, LOL...it was so cute and so funny, yet sad at the same time because nursing in the NICU was an ordeal and not something I could do daily.

It seems babies naturally will root there, on anyone, wanting comfort or food or both. This is the realization I reached recently and I stand by it. To deny them that, something that's hardwired into their little brains, just seems cruel to me. Babies were meant to be breastfed and breasts were designed to do just that. I think too many moms give up too quickly. Now I understand why they do. Also, I totally understand there are those who absolutely can not breastfeed for various reasons...I don't criticize those people.

Did you hear me when I said I have skin dangling off the ends of my nipples? Bleeding? Thrush? Burning and aching 24 hours a day? I can not wear clothes at all most of the time, which Chris loves of course....and that's just me and my discomfort.

What about when you're ready to go somewhere and lil' dude decides he's hungry and it takes us 90 minutes to nurse? Or when you're out, having to nurse in public? Or when you're cooking and you have to stop to nurse him for two hours...or even worse, you're starving but can't stop to grab a bite, because you're nursing...you have to pee...you have dogs to walk...yeah, I understand why people quit.

Another booby shot! Look at his cute head ;-)

Now him nursing for two hours is just him, that's not normal....he spends half that time sleeping anyways. I hear it's a "preemie" thing and he'll grow out of it. Remember when we started it was 13 hours straight, yes, I wanted to pull my hair out (but it's falling out anyway so never mind) ;-) Then we got it down to three hours, now two, next week, who knows....one would be nice.

At least I get to relax and watch a movie while I nurse....lots of movies. Tons of movies...The Wrestler is excellent btw... ;-)

I'm still hoping to eliminate formula all together and never use the bottles again. Every week we get closer to that goal. Every day in fact gets better and better, 'cept for the pain. :-(

Believe me, if "I" can do it, anyone can do it. I hate pain! Then again I said labor didn't really hurt so maybe my tolerance is high...;-)

Using me as a pillow.... :-)

The geyser...

So tonight, little one started to cry. Before I could do anything, a geyser erupted. Yup. I've never seen anything like it, nor has Chris. This stuff just SHOT out of the boob, straight into the air with such great force....and it kept going and going and going, like the Energizer Bunny. I was freaked out, and didn't know what to do! After 10 seconds or so the husband ran to get a towel while I yelled "Are you seeing this?!" over and over....I wasn't touching my boob, no one was. Little man was on my lap crying and boom! Finally Chris said "Put it in his mouth!" LOL! So....duh....I did. I mean this thing was like the BP oil leak....there was no stopping it.

I suppose that's what "let down" is...I've never really experienced that before, at least not visually. I suppose it's a great sign that my supply is good and my boob's hearing is spot-on. Little man didn't appear to choke, so that's good too. As for the clean up...we need some relief workers pronto in my living room!

Tales, from the titty...

:-)

So I co-sleep, which I swore I'd never do. But, I do. It happened by accident, we just fell asleep together. I decided I liked it. As a preemie I worried about his breathing after all. Now though it's so much easier to just have him in the bed. True, some nights are hell but most are not. What's 'gross' is...I tend to leak...all over HIM, and all over the bed.

This morning, Mr. Crusty Head woke up, well, all crusty with dried milk, his swaddle was drenched and there was the largest puddle on the sheets. Eww...but, he tends to sleep so much better if he's right up on me, which is why I don't wear a shirt. Ugh, so it's have him sleep in a pool of milk and stain the sheets, or wear a shirt, and bra and pads (which I leak through anyway) and make it more of a hassle to side feed at 3am and not have him sleep as well....

Today we went out for a few hours to get some exercise and I leaked through my pads, my nursing bra and my shirt. Lovely! I had him in my sling so no one could see the leak. I am guessing my previous problem of low supply is no longer a problem, which brings me to my topic of the day....my how things changed. Here's how things have changed since I started this journey three months ago.

1. Low supply. I pumped and pumped while he was in the NICU...on average, every 2-4 hours. I was lucky if I got half an ounce total...that's for both breasts, in a session. Of course at the time he was only taking maybe three quarters an ounce by feeding tube anyway. So from day one he's gotten half or slightly more than half his food from me, the rest, formula. (soy)

2. Nipple preference. When he did finally take a bottle for the first time, around 10 days old, he didn't even like that! He could hardly suck. Maybe three sucks if we were lucky. He finally learned how to eat. By the time he came home from the NICU, 4.5 weeks after birth, he greatly preferred the bottle. He'd scream, kick, and push 'me' away. So, I pumped while Chris bottle fed, for every feeding.

3. Time. Now, he no longer cares where he gets his meals from. He'll take a paci, a bottle, or me...whatever it takes. My new problem is he can down a bottle in two minutes....me, two hours. I don't always have two hours though. Ugh. But I've not pumped in many days, and I feed him from me exclusively more than he gets a bottle.

It's amazing how things change. Now, my sheets are proof, supply is no longer my issue. I remember when I prayed for more milk, now I have it. Then, he preferred the bottle to me. I prayed for the day he wanted me. Now, he wants me. LOL...he wants me so bad... :-) Maybe too bad...too much! Now, it's just the time factor....

I wonder what next weeks challenge will be?

My breastfeeding challenges...a history...

My initial plan was to breastfeed immediately after birth, but of course he was whisked away to a NICU 20 miles from me that night so..since he's a preemie, breastfeeding has been a challenge. I pumped since day two but never pumped a good amount. In the NICU I breastfed I think three times, each time for 1 to 5 minutes only. Because he's a preemie, he just couldn't stay awake to feed, he was barely awake for the bottle.

Our first attempts were with a shield and did not hurt, at all. I've read and heard if you do it right, it does not hurt....more on that later.

Fast forward a month and I get him home. It was still a challenge. By that time he had nipple preference, and he preferred the rubber kind. He screamed when I tried to feed him, he'd push me away, kick, spit me out, in short...he gave my boob the middle finger. My joke at the time...He doesn't like the boob...maybe he's an ass man. ;-) (Get used to my warped sense of humor or leave this blog) :-)

So I'd pump while Chris bottle fed him nasty smelling and over priced soy based formula. Whatever I pumped, we'd feed him but it was never enough in volume.

Fast forward a month and we get...thrush! Which we still have! Awesome! Each week got better in terms of his feeding and my supply growing....along with my pain.

Not sure when the pain kicked in exactly but it did indeed kick in. Ouch. Let's put it this way, in labor I never cussed, screamed, yelled, even held Chris's hand let alone clinched it, never broke a sweat....breastfeeding on the other hand, all of thee above...when I say scream, I mean scream. Pant, sweat, shriek...sometimes his latch sucks, pun intended, mix that with thrush and you have...blistered, dry, cracked, bleeding nipples! Woo hoo! I have calluses on them! Yup! I use lanolin but it doesn't do much. When his latch goes array I break the seal with my pinky and try to breathe again.

Lately I'm determined to get him off formula. So I tried a formula and bottle free day....he fed off me for 12 hours...pretty much non stop. Um, ouch and hello, I had things I needed to do, like PEE! After all that he was still hungry and he got a bottle. Talk about a 'let down'.

That same week though I noticed I got bigger, quite a bit bigger and he no longer preferred the bottle over me. He took the breast like a champ! He still needed a booster of bottled formula from time to time but far less of it. Also when I pumped my supply went way up, enough to fill a bottle for him! And I've not pumped since. That was a week ago.

In this last week, he gets on average, 2, 2 ounce bottles of formula, the rest comes directly from the breast...my callused, blistered, cracked breasts. I'm in so much pain I can't even wear clothes, which Chris loves btw.

So, why do I persist? I'm a masochist. No. I have fibromyalgia and am in pain all the time, I don't need additional pain and this is bad, bad, bad pain. I do it because it's best for him and me and I like a challenge. I'm going to make this work. I want him off formula all together by month's end. This is much easier said than done.

I'm done with the rant for now. Today I earned my '3 month' badge of honor the breastfeeding forum on live journal. I wear it with pride...painful pride.