(Exactly one week before William was born)
For the majority of my life, I never wanted kids. I had a million reasons, but one was fear of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Well, it's safe to say I got this fear from my mother, who had a lot of morning sickness, had a normal labor but a horrific delivery. She even needed two transfusions. Well you hear that story your whole life and if you're a girl, then you more than likely never want to give birth, unless you are a moron.
So for reasons unknown to me, I changed my mind....about the baby thing, not about the birth thing. I did NOT want to pass a child through my....body...in any way. I'll admit it, I wanted a C-Section. Why? Well for one reason, nearly every single one of my friends had a C-Section, in fact, all of my best friends had C-Sections, so none of them could give me the nitty-gritty of pushing a child out through their....body....and the aftermath. Each time a friend of mine told me they ended up having a C-Section (all five of them) I thought to myself, "LUCKY! Watch me be the 'one' who gives birth vaginally." Of course knowing what I know now...my hat is OFF to all my C-Section friends! You're braver than I....major abdominal surgery does NOT sound fun at all!
So after hearing Mom's horror story over and over for years, and reading horror stories online regarding donuts and forceps and peri-bottles and vacuums and horrific pain for months afterwards, I decided that a C-Section was the way to go. I'll admit it, I was thrilled when my Dr told me around 6 weeks that my pelvis was small, and I'd have difficulty delivering a baby more than 8lbs. I said "Great!" Which shocked her. I said "Awesome, so...like a week before my due date you can give me a C-Section?" She said, "Well, if the baby is over 8 lbs, sure, I can, since your pelvis is so small, but it's not required should you want to try for a vaginal birth." I said "Oh no, a C-Section does not frighten me!" So she thought I was nuts, who cares.
One of my friends said her C-Sections were no big deal, the other said hers were awful, the rest said they weren't the greatest thing known to man, but not the worst either. Some of my friends endured long labors before ending up in the OR, some never felt a labor pain. No one could give me a good description of what labor felt like, other than Mom who said it's the worst pain in the world. But since I wasn't going to go into labor, it really didn't matter. I was also not going to find out the sex before hand, not going to breastfeed, and was NEVER going to co-sleep. ;-)
The sicker I got in my God-Awful pregnancy
(http://sobe73.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-thoughts-on-pregnancy.html) the less I wanted to endure the unknowns of labor and delivery. Since the only person I knew well enough to ask about labor and delivery was my Mom, she's all I had to go by. Granted she was ASLEEP for the birth (Twilight sleep) but she remembered labor and the post-delivery very well. As my pregnancy got a little better and I began to feel like a human again, I remembered how much my gall-bladder surgery hurt, and how much more my lymph-node removal surgery hurt. Then I remembered, I freakin' HATE surgery! Why on Earth would I want to be tied down to a tiny table and have a kid ripped out of my abdomen? I'm highly allergic to General Anesthesia, what if I needed that in an emergency situation? What if I can feel them digging around my gut searching for the kid?
So....I changed my mind. I changed my mind about a lot of things. I decided to 'try' for a vaginal birth, with NO pain meds, yeah you heard me right, to attempt breastfeeding immediately following the birth, and to maybe even get a Douala. Well, of course, none of that happened either LOL, but my heart was in the right place.
I told people the story of my periods. I was blessed with the most horrific periods known to man. I never vomited from my menstrual cramps, but they were paralyzing, literally. Let me be clear, when I say paralyzing, I mean I could not walk, could not stand, could not sit...I was curled in a tight ball for days and days, unable to move or speak. No drug on Earth helped. Thankfully I only got 2-3 periods a year or else I'd flunked out of school and lost every job. My cramps are always in my back for some reason, like a knife being dug into my spine, non stop. I asked people if labor felt like really bad menstrual cramps and people would laugh and say "No, not really, labor is soooo much worse, way, way worse, like a million times worse..."
Well what can be worse than that? I remember one day at my last job I had these cramps from hell but I was able to walk if I was hunched all the way over. So I told everyone at work that I threw out my back since I couldn't stand up-right. That pain was really bad, if labor was a million times worse than it must be the single worst thing a human being could endure. YIKES!
I ended up taking the pill for nearly 10 years, it took a solid year of being on the pill for my periods to regulate and for the cramps to be tolerable. When I say tolerable, I meant if I took a bunch of Advil, I could walk really hunched over if I had to. After a year on the pill the cramps were....somewhat....tolerable. If I were really doped up I could get by with a slight hunch to my back. So, I figured I knew pain, and I knew really bad pain, but if labor was a million times worse than that, forget it!
Chris and I never really had the opportunity to discuss labor. He knew to probably massage my back but we never talked about our birth plan, or any plan. I told him I wanted to go drug free, and he of course laughed, as did everyone else....but I did tell him I wanted NO IV drugs. I hear they do nothing but make you stoned and I didn't want that.
Since I didn't want to give birth to a baby larger than 8 lbs, I always thought that a week before my due date of May 13th, or if he became too large prior to that, my Dr would induce me and then within 24 hours I'd have the baby. I could take the pain for 24 hours. 24 hours is not a huge deal. Besides, I'd probably deliver before 24 hours. Chris would be there with me, he and no one else and he'd rub my back if I needed it. I'd walk the halls with my IV of pitocin and maybe use the birthing ball. My Dr said I could give birth on my side if I wanted to, or even on all fours, anything but squatting since she had a really bad experience with that once.
I'd have my bag packed and we'd go to the hospital and two days later me and the baby would come home, and hopefully the only donuts in my house would be the edible kind. I told my Dr no episiotomy and she agreed that they were unnecessary. I loved my Dr and I wanted her to deliver me. I'd seen her weekly for nearly my entire pregnancy.
On Wednesday March 24th I saw my Dr and she did one final test to see if I'd go into labor early. I'd been in pre-term labor since about week 24 and dilated since week 29. She really, really wanted me to make it to week 33 for the baby's sake. On Wednesday she checked me, I was still dilated 1.5 centimeters and she did the fetal fibronectin test, I'd had five (
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fetal-fibronectin/MY00128). The next day, I reached the coveted 33 weeks. The next day, March 26th at 11am...my water broke.
It came in a little squirt. Followed by another little squirt, followed by mild menstrual cramps. I was in denial. As was Chris, as was Mom. None of us wanted me to be in labor. Of course my Dr was on vacation that weekend and some other Dr in the practice saw me that day at noon. He said my fetal fibronectin came back negative and I was not in labor. He was wrong. I began to leak more and bleed. The fluid was clear and odorless that day but he sent me home, even with the cramps.
The cramps got worse and worse as the day progressed. It still didn't occur to me that I was in labor. I wasn't having a Taurus baby in March!!!! The pain was all in my back and by evening, the pain was very bad. I didn't want to see that same Dr again, so I suffered. Around 10pm the pain escalated. I had to have Chris massage my back in bed all night long. Around 1am I went to throw up, from the pain....I still didn't believe I was in labor. Maybe it was something else, anything else. Besides, the pain WAS menstrual cramps and everyone told me labor didn't feel like that.
At 10am on March 27th, 23 hours after the initial squirt and twinge of pain, a different Dr from my practice, a Dr I liked, said to get to the hospital ASAP. I called Chris at work and at 11am, we arrived at the hospital. As soon as I got into the gown and sat on the bed in triage, a huge gush of warm, greenish, icky water with big-little chunky things in it poured onto the bed. The Dr walked in and laughed, she said "Well no need to see if you're water is breaking or not, your water is clearly breaking."
Since I was barely 33 weeks, she wanted me to stay pregnant as long as possible. She hoped for one more week. But the more she talked, the more icky nasty stuff came pouring out and let me tell you, that stuff is gross. It's just so gross! It's not like the movies. The day before it was clear but this was like Jaba the Hut Snot, mixed with Jaba piss, shooting out all over my legs and the bed. They had me walk, oozing a trail of nasty Jaba-Juice, to my room in Labor and Delivery. I asked if they'd clean me up, they said sure, but never did. Eww!
It dawned on me at that moment that not only was I in labor, but I'd been in labor for 25 hours already. At noon, Chris left to get my bags and get my mother, and I was all alone. I never thought I'd have a baby nearly two months early. I never thought I'd go into spontaneous labor. Most of all, I never thought I'd labor alone in a room for nearly 90 minutes. It was a very long, very lonely, painful 90 minutes. My phone had bad reception so I couldn't even talk to anyone, but I could text.
There was no Doula, no nurse, no Chris, no one but me. It...sucked. The pain was bad but not horrific, but bad enough that I would have enjoyed a back massage. More and more water trickled out, spreading grossness all over me and the bed, while my back pain got stronger and stronger. My contractions had been non stop since 11am the day before and they weren't about to spread out then either. They were 1 minute apart the entire time, and it was 100% back labor, which people say is unbearable.
Finally Chris showed up. The Dr came in and offered me IV drugs, since I was only 2 centimeters and could not have an epidural. I said "NO" and she looked at me like I was insane, then she looked at Chris. Don't look at Chris, he's not in labor, I am and I said NO! She said "Are you sure?" I said, "Yes, I don't want to be loopy." I could tell she really thought I was insane but she pressed the subject no more. I rolled over on my right side, the only side I could lay on, and asked Chris to massage my lower back.
At 2pm, he left to do God knows what, and I began to throw up. I called the nurse and Mom got me a trash can, but the Nurse came in with a little bucket in the nick of time. I didn't know why I was throwing up. I'd not eaten in a day and I WAS in pain, however, it wasn't the worst pain known to man. Surely I wasn't in 'transition' already!
Finally Chris came back and I told him to rub my back. So long as he rubbed my back, the pain was tolerable. It dawned on me afterwards, that everything for the most part was perfect during my labor. Since I never told Chris my expectations of his role during labor (I intended to, but I went into labor before I ever could) but even though we never talked about, we just clicked! It's as if he read my mind...and my mind said "Leave me alone! Just rub my back and shut up!" LOL.
I was in 'the zone'. On my side, eyes shut, no Bradley breathing, no technique....I did not yell, I did not scream, I did not squeeze his hand, I did not cuss, I did not sweat! The pain was bad, too bad for me to talk, all I could do is grunt, and I only grunted when he stopped rubbing my back. He had the nerve to stop a few times. Don't sit here and tell me your hand hurts worse than my back! All I needed was silence....and a back rub. And for the most part, that's what I got.
Chris did not speak to me while I was in labor.
Mom did not speak to me while I was in labor.
The Nurse never came in, so she didn't speak to me.
It's exactly what I needed. I don't remember thinking. I was not scared. I wasn't thinking of the baby, or his prematurity or the prospect of giving birth, all I was thinking was "Keep rubbing my back or I will murder you very slowly and...crap, that contraction JUST ended and now it's starting up again?"
At 7pm, 32 hours into labor, I got tired and...cranky. I thought I was still probably 2 centimeters and unable to get an epidural. The ONLY reason I wanted one was due to my fatigue. I was so tired. I'd not slept since Thursday night, it was now Saturday night. How would I have the energy to push out a child if I was that exhausted? What if I had another 32 hours of this ahead of me? I hadn't eaten or had a thing to drink since Thursday, and I feared the pain would worsen. To that point, the pain was as bad as the worst menstrual cramps I'd ever had (thank you very much! To all you ninnies who said labor wasn't like a period, you're so wrong! LOL). But what if the pain got worse? I didn't want to suffer another 24+ hours like that, and since they were to keep me pregnant as long as possible, it could easily be another 24 hours. So I asked for the epidural.
With my scoliosis I was uncertain the epidural would even take, but, it did! It wasn't bad at all. I feared the side effects, epidural migraines, back pain, or it not working, or, working and then wearing off in time for labor. None of that happened. I got the epidural, it kicked in nicely. The nurse examined me to find I was 6.5 centimeters! I'd gone that long with no drugs! I was impressed with myself. LOL.
I then fell asleep, for what seemed like a minute. Then I hear this voice, of a nurse I'd never met, saying, "Wake up, it's time to push." I guess she checked me while I was still sleeping. I said "No, I'm tired! What time is it?" It's 9pm! Only 2 hours, I went from 6.5 to 10 centimeters. I felt NOTHING, nada, dead-numb. My Dr was delivering a baby next door so we were in no hurry. They took their time getting the bed ready and lifting my legs, since they were so numb I couldn't move them.
I was not scared. I thought I'd be terrified at this point but I wasn't. I wasn't thinking about forceps or pushing for three hours, or possible pain, or the premature baby, all I could think about was McDonalds as sad as that sounds. I just knew, in my heart, that William would be okay. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew. There were several Drs in the room, and nurses, waiting for William. Mom was on the couch and Chris was up next to the Dr who arrived in the room around 9:05PM.
So, I had no one holding my hand, no one nearby. Chris was next to the Dr for some reason and I was totally numb but I'd seen enough tv shows to know 'how' to push, so I tried my best to push the right way. Apparently the right way was my way, the first push was a success. Having asthma means holding my breath and pushing with all my might is not something normally advisable. I began to almost black out three pushes in, I remember telling the Dr to 'give me a second' and she looked at me again like I was crazy. They gave me an oxygen mask and I took a 10 second break, then I pushed. She said "One more" and I said "The head is out?" She said "Oh yeah, it's been out."
Okay! LOL! I pushed and...she lied! LOL! She said "Oh, well, one more..." so I gave her one more...next thing I know she's holding this tiny baby in her arms....a tiny, bloodless, non-icky, full head of hair baby PEEING on her! Yeah, that's my first sight at my son....him peeing on the Dr. I said "He's so tiny." It was 9:11PM on Saturday, March 27, 2010.
Not that he was. He was 5 lb 6 oz and 19 inches long, HUGE for his age, but let's face it, most babies are 8+ lbs these days, he looked tiny to me. He was taken away of course and I just laid there...alone. I heard no cries. He did not cry. He did not breathe. He didn't breathe for four minutes. After four minutes, he 'grunted' a few little high pitched grunts, but never a cry. They wrapped him and handed him to me for an entire 10 seconds. Chris said "he has black eyes!" and I thought about Severus Snape instantly. His eyes were in fact, deep blue. He stared right into my eyes for a few seconds. It was a very powerful moment. It's like he knew me. I smiled for the camera and then he was gone.
For some reason it took four more hours for me to get my McDonalds. I felt great afterwards though. I was starving...and bored!
I pushed for maybe four minutes or less. I pushed less than 10 times, somewhere between 6 and 8, no one is sure. I was fine. Labor was fine. Delivery was fine. In fact, it was simple. Considering I had a God awful pregnancy and two and a half torturous years of trying to conceive AND a very, very medium rare premature baby, my labor and delivery were simple, easy and went off without a hitch. Sure it was 34 hours of labor, 32 of it un-medicated, but it was a piece of cake!
I had no external stitches, never needed a peri bottle or stool softeners, I could walk, I could sit, never needed a donut, all in all my recovery was pretty good, not perfect, but pretty good. Running around a NICU and entertaining out of town guests is not the best thing to do after giving birth, hence the weeks of heavy, heavy, heavy bleeding, but overall, I was fine. I didn't need the C-Section. I gave birth the old fashioned way, and I was great at it! Sure, if he'd been 10 lbs things would probably have been different but he wasn't. I'm thankful that after 7 hellish months, I was able to give birth with relative ease.
Another blog about preemies and NICU's is yet to come. This was about labor and delivery. And if anyone ever asks me, I'll tell them my truth "It's not the most painful thing in the world, it's like a horrible period, and you'll be just fine afterwards." All I have is my own experience to go by of course.
